Tuesday, January 25, 2011

attitude


Maybe it’s time for me to evaluate how I am…you know…towards other people.  I have an attitude that borders on the “my shit don’t stink” level when it comes to fellow humans.  If I’m to be true to this whole self-improvement kick, then that should be one of the items on my checklist of things I want to address and improve.  For instance today, I was on my lunch break at work and I was reading a Jen Lancaster book.  I absolutely despise being interrupted while reading.  Especially when I give a curt response and the person insists on continuing to talk to me and interrupt me.  I mean, seriously, rude much?  But, apparently, as it’s been pointed out to me that maybe, just maybe these people’s intentions are to be friendly and nice and, ironically, polite.  Oh social graces, thou hath abandoned me!  I’ve gone straight past bitter and cynical to a total asshole.  I think I skipped a few steps in there somewhere because sure it doesn’t rocket from just bitter to total asshole in such a short amount of time.  Of course, I naturally want to know what barn these people were raised in where it was okay to interrupt people while they’re in the middle of doing something…especially reading.  I have a sneaky feeling that, besides my weight loss, this is going to be the biggest mountain set out before me that I attempt to climb and conquer.

I’m an incredibly impatient person.  I’m not entirely sure how I got to be that way.  I was always a little impatient but not to the point I am now.  I am impatient to the point of anger.  At work, co-workers will call me with information that is work related and when they don’t get straight to the point of why they are calling and just tell me what they need and they just hem and haw and um and er at me, it drives me up the wall with irritation.  The only thing I can think of that would make me act in this way is that I am extremely unhappy with my situation at work right now.  I am on restrictive duty due to a back injury and am therefore doing a job that is not the job I was hired to do because I am not cleared by my doctor to perform my regular duties at work.  I have been in this work status for 5 months now.  At no point did I ever foresee me being on restrictive duty for this amount of time.  However, there does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel.  In the next couple days, I will be getting a procedure done that should reduce my pain level to practically nothing, thereby allowing me to return to full and regular duty at work.  It will also allow me to start exercising to the level that is necessary for me to lose the weight I need to lose to be healthy again.

I can be arrogant and self-assured to the point of obnoxious.  I say I just want people to be as efficient as possible, but really, I think it has to do with I don’t want to let anyone get close enough to hurt me again.  I completely let my guard down with Jon-Pierre and he did everything he possibly could that would hurt me and break me down.  This was especially damaging because I had just finished building myself back up and had just become emotionally independent again.  I let him into my heart in a moment of romantic weakness.  I let his seemingly kind eyes worm their way into my heart.  I let my emotional security walls down with him and he burned the little wooden shack where my heart lives and now it’s all exposed and vulnerable.  So, I lash out at people when they try to be my friend because I don’t want to take any chances.  Maybe realizing this will be enough motivation for me to change.  Maybe I can take a deep breath and steady myself to be a little less hostile to those around me.  I don’t have to let them in or let them get too close, but I shouldn’t bite their heads off when they’ve done nothing to deserve it.

Don’t I want people to be courteous to me?  Don’t I want people to treat me with respect and dignity?  Well, then, maybe I should treat them with a little courteousness, respect and dignity.  A little kindness goes a long way, they say.  Maybe that’s some advice I should heed.  It won’t kill me to be at least superficially nice to others around me.  There’s a chance that if I can at least put on a happy face and just smile at people and say nice things to them, even when I don’t mean it, that it will become habit and, therefore, will just become the way I treat people. 


I seem to have lost some of the feeling of urgency that I was having over my move back home to Oregon.  I’m still excited about it, but since I’ve already planned everything that needed planning to the point where there’s nothing left to be planned.  The air has been let out of the balloon, so to speak.  See, when I first realized that it was very doable for me to make the move back home to Oregon in a little over a year, I got very excited and had a few nights of anxious insomnia until I got every last detail of the act of moving planned out to the last mile.  I planned out how many days it would take me to drive there.  I will be traveling with a dog and a cat.  If I was only traveling with the dog, I could drive straight through and just potty walk her whenever I stop for gas.  But the cat needs to use the litter box, so I have to stop every night and get a hotel room so he can do that and so he can relax for a little while.  So, I have each and every nightly stop planned out and predetermined down to what hotels I will be staying at.  I decided to stay in Motel 6 each night because the entire chain of hotels is pet friendly and they don’t charge an extra fee for your pet(s) to stay in the room with you.  I even got the specifics of the moving truck and vehicle trailer for my truck worked out.  I already know how much it will cost me.  I planned out what kind of boxes I’m going to use and made a plan to buy a package of bankers boxes every payday between now and then.  I looooooove bankers boxes.  They are so sturdy and easy to put together and you can’t possibly overload them so that they’re too heavy to lift, unless, of course, you put an anvil in one of them, but that’s just silly.  Every box will be as specifically labeled as possible so that when I find a place to live once I’ve arrived in Oregon it will be easy and quick to unpack everything.

I’m a little anal when it comes to making my plans, obviously.  I want to make sure this goes as smooth as possible.  Since it will be the culmination of my year-ish journey of improving my life, I want my move to be as close to perfection as it can possibly get.  I don’t want any contingency to go unplanned.  I want to make preparations for every step of the way.  I want to know what lies in store for me and how everything will flow.  For instance, my driving schedule is planned so that when I stop each evening in my predetermined cities at my predetermined hotel locations that I can take the dog for a walk and do a little bit of tourist activities.  It will be a nice way to wind down from the stress of driving a 22 foot moving truck with my personal truck on a trailer.  I have never driven with a trailer so I have a little bit of anxiety about that portion of my plan.  But, really, there’s no other way to get it done properly and get all my belongings and my truck all moved at the same time without making an additional trip back to Texas to do it.


I used to have this horrible and nasty habit.  Chewing on my fingers.  Not on my fingernails, mind you, but on my fingers themselves.  I almost always had nice fingernails.  I say that I used to have this habit because I have managed to stop, but also because I want it to stay in the past and not come up again.  It was something that I had done for a great many years…since I was about 12 years old in fact.  It was so difficult to stop, almost more difficult than when I quit smoking.  It was something that was basically an integral part of me and was part of the definition of what was me.  It wasn’t a component of my life that I liked to admit or concede to.  It was such a prominent focus of my anxiety that it even made me anxious to think of quitting it.  But I put my mind to it and I was able to expel it.  I put my mind to it and was determined.  It wasn’t easy, but it was simple. 


I have this guy friend at work.  We don’t work in the same section as each other, but we talk a lot…on the phone and via email throughout our work day.  Well, I went on lunch break yesterday and he stopped by to say hello to me right before I came back.  When I came back, one of my co-workers said my boyfriend had stopped by.  I was mortified.  I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t want a boyfriend.  Sure, I should have probably dated Richard years ago, but we didn’t date, for numerous reasons.  And now, now it’s too late.  I’m done with intimate relationships for a while, for at least the remaining amount of time I have in Texas, anyway.  But I would prefer to stay abstinent for a while longer than that.  Abstinence does a person good.  It’s good to sever that kind of connection every once in a while.  Maybe not if you’re actively in a long term relationship.  But, if you’re single, it’s appropriate to learn how to interact with other people on another level other than on a sexual level.  It’s kind of like losing one of your 5 senses in that your body compensates by dialing up the sensitivity of one or more of your other senses.  You take sex out of the picture and your personality should compensate by dialing up the sensitivity of one of your other levels of dealing with people.  I usually get rather flirty when I abstain.  Which seems like it’s just increasing my sexual type behavior, but it’s a lot of fun and it’s a very personal way of dealing with others, I think.  You connect on a different level.  You connect on a more comfortable level, I think.

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