Wednesday, January 19, 2011

the beginning of the journey

after much thought and consideration, i have decided to embark upon a journey of recovery, self-discovery, and self-improvement.  too much has gone awry in my life over the past year.  as usual, it started with one malformed decision on my part.  i had devoted myself to remaining single and was only interested in "dating" guys as friends.  there was never a bone of intention within my body that ever intended to start anything of a serious nature with ANY guy i met.  however, jon-pierre's eyes changed all of that. 
 
i had joined a free dating website.  i had met a few guys that way and our chemistry was mostly that of "just friends."  jon-pierre was one of the guys i had talked to and, although we had quite the running commentary full of banter and conversations of what we had in common going between us on the dating website, i had been reluctant to speak to him over the phone and would only allow us to converse via text message and on the website.  i had developed an odd fear of talking to people i had never met in person over the phone.  so, talking to me over the phone had the prerequisite of a face-to-face meeting.  i think this fear developed as a result of receiving numerous calls from bill collection agencies.  we had agreed to meet at Peter Pan Putt-Putt Golf in South Austin.  i drove up and saw him leaned up against his motorcycle (i was later to find out that this was his ONLY transportation as he had gotten his Jeep repossessed by the finance company.  he had told me that he also had a truck that was just in the shop, which i found out was not true.) waiting for me.  as i drove up and parked next to him, i was instantly infatuated and would have been weak in the knees if i had been standing when my eyes met his eyes, even before we had said so much as "hi" to each other.  i was one of those improbable infatuations that occurs in romantic comedies where one person stumbles upon the other and they instantly fall in love with each other and have a whirlwind relationship and the next thing you know they're getting married.  yea, it was one of those kinds of things.  because, frankly, only a few weeks later, he was begging me to break my lease and move in with him.  and then, a week or two after that he was saying how he wanted to marry me and that i was the one he had waited for.  he also filled my head with compliments like i was the hottest girl he had ever dated.  he told me that he wanted to heal the pain and damage that had been done to me by other guys.  he wanted to "rescue" me and tear down my emotional walls.  he filled my head with all sorts of nonsense like that.  the relationship we shared went nothing but downhill from there.  he was very secretive and bigger on privacy than i was.  but he was different about his privacy.  he wanted unlimited privacy from ME.  seriously?  i've seen him using the restroom for crying out loud, what is so private that he can't share it with me????  maybe the fact that he doesn't have a real life; he has a virtual life.  he spends so much time on the internet role playing and pretending to be anything other than himself that i have no clue what he is truly like...no clue of WHO he really is.  and there were so many instances where he just blatantly LIED to me...about the dumbest shit he could possibly lie about too.
 
for just over a year preceding march of 2012, i plan to practice abstaining from involving myself in an intimate romantic relationship of any kind.  the culmination of my plan of recovery-discovery-improvement will result in my moving back to my home state of Oregon in order to be closer to my family.  i also have a lot of friends from when i was younger that still live there.  i have spent the last couple years feeling some level of homesickness.  i have a niece that is a year old and i have never met her.  i have a nephew this is almost four years old and i have met him a total of twice.  i have completely missed out on my baby brother's relationship with his now wife...except for the wedding, which i was able to attend.  i have missed out on so much.  so much that cannot be replaced or redone.  enough is enough.  i need to move back home and be with my family.
 
in the area of self-improvement, i want to address my weight issue.  i want to improve my quality of life and the aesthetics of my life by losing at least 60 pounds.  this is my minimum goal...the minimum amount of weight loss that i will accept from myself in order to consider my combined effort in the journey of my weight loss to be a success.  i know, harsh, but it needs to be done.  i can't afford to hire a trainer to be a drill sergeant to me, so someone has to fill those shoes.  might as well be that for myself if i can be.  but i want to be motivational to myself.  i want to inspire in myself the ability to do great things.  i want to inspire high spirits and positive attitude.  i want to ENJOY this journey as much as is possible.  i want to detail this journey into a book...a memoir.  i want to document the ups and downs of it all, the highs and lows that occur, the funny and the frustrating moments.  i want to write it all down and share it with you and with anyone who will read it.

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