Monday, January 31, 2011


I love the way my grandma writes.  It’s very snarky and off the cuff and witty.  She can make a joke out of a bad situation, thereby making it not such an overwhelming thing to handle.  Her and I email regularly back and forth and I never thought much about it until just now that she’s an excellent writer and if she had the mind to do it, I’m sure people would pay to read her story.  But she’d rather read a book than write one, that much I know.  She sends out a yearly Christmas letter that is usually fraught with her and my grandpa’s antics for the previous year.  I usually laugh my ass off.  This year’s letter, unfortunately, wasn’t as upbeat as normal.  They had sold their house in Washington and moved outside of Dallas, Texas only to decide that it really was much too hot for their liking, even my grandpa’s and he was the one that pushed so much for the move.  My grandma wasn’t happy about the move at all and actually had a pretty severe bout with depression and anxiety over the whole deal.  Then, they moved back to Washington and bought another house, only to find out that the thing was apparently a money pit in disguise.  All the while, the house they had bought down in Texas is still on the market and they’re still making the mortgage payments on it, which means they’re making 2 house payments!  Needless to say, my grandma wasn’t able to come up with much happy to say in her annual letter to everyone.

As if all that wasn’t bad enough, now my grandpa has need of a heart valve replacement and, according to the doctor’s, if he doesn’t get it, he might not make it another year, which means I won’t ever get to see him again.  Now maybe it’s selfish of me, but if he’s going to die, I want to be able to see him once last time and give him a hug and for him to give me a kiss on the cheek and tell me he loves me.  I just can’t imagine life without my grandparents.  Yea, they’re not a huge part of my life, but they are definitely important to me.  They’re part of who I am and why I am the person I have become.

On occasions in the past, when reading letters from my grandma, both handwritten and email, I have wished that I could write the way she does.  She makes it seem so effortless.  When I read her letters, her voice narrates it in my head.  I think the fact that I would wish that I could write like her was part of my problem when it comes to writing.  I shouldn’t be trying to write like someone else; I should be trying to write like me.  I should write in the way that comes natural to me.  Any other way will sound forced and false and people that know me won’t recognize me in my own writing.  Sure, reading memoirs helps me find my own voice, but it doesn’t replace my voice with that of someone else.

I have an appointment with the neurosurgeon to get set up for receiving the implant of the spinal cord stimulator in 8 days.  I’ll have to leave work 2 hours early that day, but I wanted to get the first available appointment, so my sergeant should understand.  I’m really excited about it.  By the way, when the PA pulled the temporary one out of my about WEIRD feeling!  Ugh.  It felt sooooo weird.  And I’m so happy!  I get to take a SHOWER tonight!!!  YAY!!!  I haven't had one of those since Wednesday since i wasn't able to shower with the temp implant in.  I was using bathroom wipes to wipe myself down every day.  Not the same.  Not even close.  I wish the lead hadn't slipped as soon as it did.  It would have been really nice if it could have benefited me for one more day.  Oh well.  Soon enough, I'll have the real thing and I’ll be able to do all the activities that i haven't been able to do since July.  Sheesh.  I can't believe it's been so long!  I’m going to celebrate when this is all over.

I'm going to have a girls night at a nice restaurant and I’m going to invite all my girlfriends here in Texas because, frankly, getting the surgery and returning to full duty at work will warrant a celebration.  I want to dress up nice.  I won’t yet be the skinny me again, but I still know how to make myself look nice and that’s the important part.  Besides, I'll be feeling great and that’s what we’ll be celebrating.  When I reach my goal weight, we’ll have another big celebration at a nice restaurant and then I'll be all skinny and smokin’ hot and I won’t have to try to make myself look good because I already will look good.  Hahahaha!  I won’t be conceited, I'll be justified!  *Snap!*

My work has a bunch of wellness stuff they want you to attend, but I’m almost always at work.  Most of the time, even if it was on a day off, i wouldn't want to go.  Frankly, what could they possibly tell me that i don't already know about nutrition and exercise?  Seriously?  I’m not even being snotty about it; I just know a LOT about those 2 subjects.  If it were possible, I would take a blanket test for nutrition and pass and then receive my degree in Nutrition.  Also, I know so much about fitness and how to put together an excellent workout schedule, I have thought about getting certified to be a personal trainer, but I'm really not all that great with dealing with other people, especially if they want to wimp out on me and not do what I would ask them to do in a training session, which I would be all, like, why did you hire a personal trainer if you’re not going to listen to them? 

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