Friday, January 28, 2011

Million Dollar View

You know what I think is absurd?  The fact that all magazines aimed at women assume that all women work in office buildings.  This just simply isn’t true.  However, they always tell you to go after the office with “the million dollar view” or tips on how to make the office more fun or ideas for how you can personalize your office space.  It’s ridiculous, really.  I don’t work in an office building, or anything close to being considered an office building.  I work in a jail for crying out loud.  There is no personalization of my work space.  If I personalize my work space, then the inmates will have an insight into my personal life that they could potentially use against me to run a scam or get personal favors.  There is no “million dollar view” where I work.  There is a lovely view of concrete and metal screening and cinder blocks.  How exciting. 

Working in a jail isn’t for everyone.  It really isn’t a nice place to be, as an inmate or as a corrections officer (aka-jailer).  Jail is a seriously depressing place.  A lot of the people in jail don’t belong in jail; they belong in a mental hospital where they can receive the proper care for their conditions.  Problem with that is that states are cutting budgets that allow for the mentally impaired to receive the proper treatments and are reducing the amount of available space in mental hospitals or are even shutting them down completely.  Mentally ill people who don’t receive proper treatment accidentally commit crimes or do things that they don’t understand are wrong or they lash out when frustrated and hurt or kill someone, therefore landing them in jail where they would never be if they were receiving the kind of care that they should be getting.  And it’s all due to budget cuts.  So, my job is not just dealing with your regular run-of-the-mill criminals and regular citizens that made a simple mistake; my job is dealing with people that are mentally ill and are therefore unstable and unpredictable.  It makes my job a heck of a lot more dangerous than it needs to be as a result.

I read success stories of women who have lost surmountable amounts of weight by changing the way they eat and adding simple exercise to their weekly schedule.  I look at them and I have a feeling of desperate longing, but it is squelched by my inner voice that tells me that I can never do that.  It backs itself up by pointing out that changing the way I eat only rewarded me with a 13 pound loss, of which I gained back 8 pounds.  And it reminds me that I added simple exercise to my weekly schedule to be rewarded with naught except frustration as to why nothing was working for me. 

I have decided to join Weight Watchers Online.  I don’t want to go to meetings.  I suppose I should give my reasons for not wanting to go to meetings since they say that people who attend the meetings lose 3 times more weight than people who do just the online program.  Well, for starters, stress.  I don’t like being put on the spot and expected to express how I feel about food and what it does to me.  I have a busy enough schedule without having to try to make room for a weekly time commitment.  Also, my work schedule is such that I wouldn’t be able to attend the meetings on a regular basis anyway.  And, besides, I think that I work quite well on my own without other scrutinizing my progress.  I also feel as though I’d be more pressured to show some significant progress if I were to attend the meetings whereas, if I do just the online program I am only accountable to myself.  And, frankly, I think I’m a pretty strict person to be accountable to.  I try not to be too harsh on myself, but every now and then I can be a little excessive in the way that I talk to myself.  I try to be just motivational, but sometimes it comes across as talking down to myself, like I’m not good enough.  I will actively make an effort to be more positive to myself when it comes to my weight loss.  I will look for the silver lining in everything, the positive amongst the negative, the needle in the haystack.  I will use that to create a positive atmosphere for myself where I can feel comfortable and happy.  And I believe that happy people are more successful than angry or unhappy people could ever hope to be.

I have semi-high, yet conservative, hopes for my success with using the Weight Watchers Online program.  I just signed up for it today. I will hopefully start feeling more secure and confident about my chances of losing the weight I need to lose.  I guess I’m just afraid that this will be yet another story of failure.  But I can’t think that way, not if I hope to succeed this time. 

Lately, on my days off from work, I have been sleeping a lot more than is necessary.  It has a lot to do with I don’t have much to look forward to on my days off.  If the spinal cord stimulator trial provides the kind of relief from my pain that is beneficial, then I will go ahead with the full implant of the stimulator.  Once I’m healed from that, I’ll be able to do things again.  My days off will be filled with so many possibilities of what to do.  I’ll be able to ride a bicycle again.  I’ll be able to use the kayak I want to buy.  I’ll be able to go longer and push myself harder on the elliptical trainer.  I’ll be able to take my dog for hikes through the greenbelt.  I could go camping.  There really are so many possibilities that will be open to me if this treatment route works for me.  Right now, all I have to look forward to is playing World of Warcraft.  Now, I’m not saying I don’t enjoy me some World of Warcraft, I’m just saying that I really prefer to do active things, or at least to have the option of doing active things.  Also, I’d really like options of what I can do.

I guess I just really feel the fact that I’m all alone right now on my days off.  My work days are fine because I’m around other people.  But, for the past two weeks I have only had human contact outside of work a handful of times and most of those were very short lived or had to do with I needed a ride to and from my appointment for my temporary version of the stimulator.  I don’t have a lot of friends and this just drives that point home for me.  I don’t like feeling all alone or detached from others.  My distance from other people really shows up in my irritation and impatience that I get when I’m around others or have to deal with them.  If I was well socialized, I don’t think I’d act or react like that at all.

I’ve been invited over to my friend Doug’s apartment on Super Bowl Sunday next week.  I have decided that I would bring a guacamole dip since we both loved the avocado dip that we ate at Torchy’s Tacos the other day.  I found a recipe for a nice, creamy guacamole dip that should taste great!  I love avocados.  I’m really looking forward to the Super Bowl, too.  Green Bay Packers versus Pittsburgh Steelers.  I like both teams, so I’ll be happy no matter who wins.  I think it’ll be a great game.  My favorite part, of course, is all the commercials.

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