Sunday, January 30, 2011


When I went into the office at my apartments to pay my rent today, the lady asked me “How come I never see you with your boyfriend?”  I responded “Um…” There was an awkward pause and then I answered, “because we broke up like 4 months ago.”  She just said “Oh.”  I was a little irritated that she brought it up, but she didn’t know, so it’s not her fault.  I may or may not have mentioned to her that I thought he was an aloof asshole in response to her asking if he was super clingy and that's why we broke up. 

Yesterday, I received his W2 in the mail and happily wrote “RTS-addressee no longer at this address” and placed it in the outgoing mail slot.  See, he hasn’t even bothered to turn in a damn change of address form.  Seriously, the nerve he has.   Like I actually want to occasionally see his name in my mailbox.  Not.  I thought about putting in a change of address for him, but decided he’s just not worth the effort.  Besides, if something he needs get sent back and it inconveniences him to get it sent to the proper address, then maybe he’ll just turn the stupid form in himself like he should have in the first place.  Sure, his front door is within 20 feet of my front door, but like I said, he’s not worth the effort or my time.  I thought about throwing his mail away, but then I don’t want to commit a felonious crime.  Not thanks, I like my standing in society.  And…again…he’s not worth it.
I've been writing a lot lately.  Taking the pressure off myself to write every day seems to have done the trick.  I manage to find things to write about and make them sound interesting.  I've been reading a lot of memoirs lately and that has helped me significantly with the style in which I write.  It's very conversational and funny and I just love it.  The authors I have read really make you feel like you're a part of their life or that you're their friend and they're telling you what happened in the last month since you saw them.  My thinking is different because of it too.  It flows more.  This is funny because i had a dream the other night and I was brainstorming about things to write about.  In my dream, I came up with the perfect thing to write an entry about and I even made a mental note to remember it for when i woke up.  Of course, I forgot what it was, but still it was funny that I knew I was asleep and made that mental note.  All I remember was that it was something about Jon-Pierre.


So I’m frustrated that the lead on my spinal cord stimulator seems to have slipped.  I’m guessing that at some point in the last few hours, I moved wrong and it slipped out of place.  Thank god this is just the temporary one and slippage was warned about.  However, I had really hoped it wouldn’t slip so much that I would no longer receive stimulation to my spinal cord.  And can honestly say, though, that I can tell how much difference the stimulator made because now it hurts in the spot where it was covering.  So, yea, I’ll be going through with the full implanted spinal cord stimulator.  This little contraption will definitely make the difference for me.  I could just cry out of frustration and just a general feeling of “well, crap” over it slipping so much.  I’ve only had it in for 2 days, but it made a world of difference for me in that short time.  And now, I have to wear it for 2 more days without it doing anything.  I am, however, hoping that it will fix itself while I sleep.  I’m not holding my breath, however.

It’s been a little disconcerting that I haven’t been capable of taking a shower since I got the temporary stimulator, um, installed in my lower back.  I’ve had to wash my hair in the kitchen sink and use sanitary wipes to take the place of my regular daily shower.  Oh how I cannot WAIT to take a shower.  I will tell them in two days, on Monday, that I know I want the full implant.  They promised me that they would take it out the same day that I told them my decision as to whether or not this device is helpful enough to proceed, which it is.  I have to wait to tell them because it’s the weekend and they’re not in the office. 
Well, the lead didn't fix itself while I slept like I was hoping it would.  So, I guess I just have the 2 days that it was working just fine to judge my experience on, which is fine.  I'm able to make a decision based on those 2 days.  Thank goodness for my high pain tolerance and that I was able to push the pain from the procedure out of mind and concentrate on how well the stimulator was resolving my other pain in my back.  I am happy with how well it worked and I know I can be comfortable with the sensation that it emits.
Last night, after I realized I could no longer feel the sensations coming from the device, I got anxious and couldn't get my thoughts to stop.  I felt guilty and kept thinking that I have moved around too much and had stood up and sat down too many times and that is what caused the lead to slip.  Which, yea, it probably was, but there's nothing I can do about it after the fact.  Obsessing over it now won't do me any good.  All it will do is cause me to be all anxious.  So, I had a very difficult time going to sleep last night.  I finally did, but it wasn't very good sleep and I was still tired this morning, whereas I'm usually wide awake.


Bought myself a little fireproof safe today.  I will be saving up my moving to Oregon monies in it.  I was just going to put all the money I was saving onto a prepaid Visa card until it was brought to my attention that most of those cards you can’t put more than $1500 or $2000 grand total on.  My final amount will be at least $5000.  So, I figured I had better find a better way to save up my money and that’s when I settled on storing it in a fireproof safebox.  Plus, that will give me something tangible that I can reference when I want to think about how things are progressing with my preparations for moving.  It will give me something to do when I’m nervous.  It will calm me to be able to touch something in relation to the move.

Also bought myself a string of faux pearls.  It’s a long strand, so it’s classy and, since it’s faux pearls, it can be worn with just about anything.  I’m looking forward to wearing it with my black knit dress (you know, the one that’s actually a maternity dress, but who cares?) on the next girls night out with Heather and Eileen.


Today, the dog wanted to make out with me because I ate a can of tuna.  Also in doggy related news, after only a week of repeating the “go to bed” command to instruct her to go into her crate (and to also receive a treat once locked in the crate), she proved her proficiency not once, not twice, but three separate times within 2 days!  I'm such a proud doggy mama. 
I feel bad for not being able to take the dog for a walk.  But it would be practically pointless.  Due to the procedure for the temporary stimulator, I can't walk fast enough for walking to be beneficial to either myself or to the dog.  So, since I hope to have the temporary stimulator removed on Monday, I promised her that I'd take her for a walk on Tuesday.  I hope I can keep my promise.
I did my first day of officially tracking what I ate on Weight Watchers yesterday.  And let me tell you what, a 20 ounce Dr. Pepper is a whopping 7 points!  That's more points than what I ate for dinner!  I won't be doing that again.  If I get a craving for a Dr. Pepper, I'll get a Diet Dr. Pepper.  Those are sugar free and therefore, shouldn't be very many points at all.  I almost left the Dr. Pepper off, but then I told myself that if I was going to be lying and omitting things from my daily intake, the only person that would be affected would be me.  So, I judiciously decided that lying on my food intake was a no-no and that I wouldn't be doing it.  But, despite the Dr. Pepper fiasco, I only went into my weekly "treat points" by 2, so that's not too bad.
My weigh in day is Monday.  I don't expect to see that the scale will have lowered its number for me.  I took all my measurements yesterday.  Those are the numbers that I'll really be happy to see drop like flies.  Those numbers say more to me than the scale ever could.  I also took my "before" front and side pictures yesterday, and oh my goodness I really need to get rid of the spare tire that has settled around my waist.
I'm really looking forward to progressing with Weight Watchers' online program.  It's very user friendly and I love tracking things.  I had great success with a little over a year ago.  The problem was that I simply lost the weight too fast and I got burnt out on it and then launched myself into an unhealthy relationship where I ate junk food and fast food all the time, causing me to gain back what I had lost and then some.  My back injury didn't help either.  That caused me to gain another 20 pounds on top of what I had already gained.  I thought about getting diet pills from the doctor, but the pills doctors prescribe come with cardiac warnings and make you excessively jittery and I don't like feeling like that, so I wanted to take a more natural approach to losing the weight.

Of course, that 7 point Dr. Pepper has nothing on the 9 point Reese's peanut butter cups I ate today.  Walk of shame.  Walk of shame.  Argh.  I told my friend at work who brought them to me that he's not allowed to bring me anymore chocolate treats because I really need to get serious about losing weight.
I am so excited to be getting the full implant of the spinal cord stimulator.  That means, once I'm healed up, that I can do actual cardio!  I can do a bust ass pace on the elliptical, for instance.  I've decided that I'm going to buy the kayak first, however.  Since I have a friend that already has his own kayak and is excited for me to get mine so that we can go on kayaking expeditions together.  It will be so great.  I'll buy the new bicycle after I've gotten the kayak.  By then, it will be almost summer, so the weather will be better for cycling at that time anyway.  Being able to do more cardio, and intense cardio at that, will greatly lift my spirits and will ramp up my weight loss.  I'll actually be able to burn calories instead of just adding up my food every day and not being able to do much else for myself.

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