Saturday, February 5, 2011

On Display

Whenever I go out in public, I worry that people aren’t just staring at me, but are actually gawking at me and whispering to each other how gross I look.  Really, the proper response to this line of thought is laughter because, really, how realistic is that?  It’s not.  And besides, there are plenty of people that look far, far worse than I do.  There are plenty of people that are fatter than me and lumpier than me and people don’t pay them any attention.  The most attention I pay those people is to be thankful that I didn’t allow myself to get that big or to remind myself that I'm lucky that I'm not that big.  I don’t gawk at them or whisper about them.   

I feel as though I'm on display and I can’t stand it.  I am constantly checking myself out whenever I pass by especially reflective windows and mirrors to see how I look.  I want to make sure I don’t look gross or overly fat or that my clothes aren’t too tight or tacky.  I check out my shadow too, which is totally unreliable as far as how I appear.  It is a distorted silhouette of myself that is even more distorted by ground features such as grass and trees and stairs and whatnot.  I know that my shadow will never be an accurate representation of my body, but yet I still look to it as though it were.

Things are becoming a little complicated for me.  The repair to my truck has taken a turn for the worse.  I am unable to change out the wheel hub on my own due to special tools that have to be used and, really, only a mechanic has those tools lying around.  Besides, even if I had access to them, I probably wouldn’t have clue one as to how to use them.  When I discovered the fact that I am unable to do the replacement myself I became hysterical and started crying, like a girl, of course.  I let that happen for about half an hour, frantically texting a friend and posting on Facebook that I needed help finding a mechanic that takes payments.  Before anyone could even respond to my begging, I decided that I would call AAMCO.  I have done business with them in the past and really like them.  I know that they have a towing service that they will simply charge the towing fees to your mechanic bill.  When I asked Jose if they took payments, he said “Of course!”  They are lifesavers, seriously. 

This morning, Jose called me and let me know what’s going on with the truck.  It’s going to cost $465 to replace the hub.  Plus, there are some somewhat major things that need to be done to the suspension system.  At least all four shocks, but preferably the struts too, need to be replaced and that is going to run about $1300.  Then, there’s all the ball joints on the front end that need to be replaced and that is going to run $600-something.  Aaargh!  Of course, the more repairs they do, the higher my down payment for the payment plan will be and, also of course, I cannot pick up the truck from them until I have paid the down payment.  I would like for ALL this work to be done, but I really need the truck back on the 14th.  I do not want to overextend Denise’s kindness toward me when it comes to riding to and from work, even though I have promised her gas money.

Having this work done on my truck is possibly going to delay my move to Oregon.  This sucks, but it needs to be done.  I cannot afford for my truck to break down once everything is said and done with moving and there’s no turning back.  So, if they are able to work with me a little bit on the down payment for the work, then I can get all the work done and have a healthy and dependable vehicle.

I have said that the truck is worth enough to me that if the engine went out on it that I would spend the $2500, or whatever it is, to put a refurbished engine with warranty into the truck.  So if it’s worth enough to me that I would do that, why wouldn’t I take care of the suspension system that is so critical to my truck’s overall well-being?  I can get a payday loan to pay the down payment for the payment plan if I need to.  I’d really rather not, but these repairs need to happen.

I was really hoping to have my truck back by this coming Monday or Tuesday, but that is quite obviously not going to happen because I have to wait until I have the money for the down payment and that won’t be until payday on the 14th.  Getting these repairs done on my truck means I have to give up some luxuries like getting acrylic nails done.  Sure, it’s only $40 a month (that’s with tip), but it’s still a splurge item and I need to cut back on them.  I will have to reanalyze my finances to see if I'll even still be able to pull off buying a kayak, but I will try.  And as far as buying another bicycle goes, I need to focus on and pawn shops.  I won’t be buying a new bicycle.  Also, those options would work for buying a kayak too, so I'll check those out before I try to buy a brand new one and see what I can find.

I can do this; I just have to be tough about it and not allow my anxiety to control me.

I just talked to Denise.  She offered to pick me up after my very important doctor’s appointment on Tuesday so I don’t have to ride the bus and walk my way back home.  She’s an awesome friend, that’s all I can say, really.  Truly awesome.  I'm not sure that my $30 for gas money will be able to convey just how much what she is doing for me means to me.  Sure, she understands that if the situations were reversed that I would do the exact same thing for her, but I still feel like I owe her an enormous debt for this.  Also, I let her know that I probably won’t be getting my truck back until the 14th and she was all like “no problem!  I'll just assume you’ll be riding to work with me for that time.”  Wow!  I am truly blessed.  Truly.

I am afraid, however, that the repairs on my truck have indeed set back my moving to Oregon by at least 3 more months.  I do not say this lightly.  I say it with regret, even though I know it is the right thing to do.  If I do not replace these parts now, then they will give out on me later down the road at the most inopportune time when I definitely do not have the money to fix them.  It is not ruining my moving, it is merely delaying my moving.  I will have to crunch some numbers to find out exactly how much I will be delayed, but it looks like summer time of 2012 is now my projected moving time frame.  Which, of course, because of the heat, means that Vlad and his kitty siren will be in the cab of the moving truck with me and the dog.  It will simply be too hot for him to ride in the Explorer on the trailer.

My plans for the superbowl are coming together nicely.  My friend Doug is planning on picking me up at about 3 so that we can stop at the store and get what we need to make our game food.  Then, we’ll have enough time to actually put those foods together before game time.  I'm going to ask him tomorrow if, on our way back to drop me off after the game if we can stop at the store again so I can do some really quick grocery shopping so that I have food for the week.  I'm sure he’ll be okay with that.  I know exactly what I need and it won’t take me long to grab it and check out.   Plus, he’s a really nice guy and wouldn’t knowingly leave me stuck without groceries.

I'm really looking forward to getting to hang out with him and his roommate to watch the game.  I like both teams that are playing this year, the Green Bay Packers and the Pittsburgh Steelers.  I was so happy when it wasn’t the Patriots playing like everybody said it would be.  I can’t stand the Patriots; they’ve won too many superbowls, I think.  So, I will be happy with whoever wins.

A friend of mine told me that she doesn’t watch the superbowl because all it does was promote human trafficking.  I almost laughed out loud when she said this, but I could see that she was serious, so I just said “What?”  She then explained and told me to google “superbowl and human trafficking” to see for myself.  I did and, you know what, it is very real.  It’s kind of scary, really.  I hate to say it, but I don’t see the superbowl as the only large event that draws this kind of “business” to it.  Human trafficking would still happen if the superbowl were done away with. 

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