Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Writing in my sleep

If “god” (or “the universe,” or whatever higher power there may or may not be out there) thinks he/she/it is funny, then I should say that they are sorely mistaken on this point.  Either that or their sense of humor is well past my finely developed dark sense of humor, to the point of masochistic tendencies.  

I have found myself in quite the pickle in the last two days.  Financially, that is.  First off, the down payment (which pays for the parts up front) that I had to make on the truck repairs was substantially higher than I thought I’d been told that it would be…by like $425.  Ouch.  To top that off, I had to secure one of those evil things they call a payday loan.  I call them evil because I’ve had them in the past and they just take forever to get rid of.  I still have 6 months of payments ($204 each…this covers the labor) to make to the mechanic.  For the duration of that time frame, they have installed a GPS starter interrupting device.  So I have that looming on my dashboard as a constant reminder.

Right before I had the mechanic tow my truck off to their shop, the courtesy officer at my apartment complex tagged my truck to be towed due to the vehicle inspection and registration both being expired.  Well, I also got pulled over yesterday and given tickets for both of those things as well.  Great.  Just what I needed, more complications in my life. 

So, I go this morning and get signed up for defensive driving with the court for a speeding ticket I got last month.  Then, I go to the tax collectors office and get my registration current.  Then, I went to go get the truck inspected.  It won’t pass inspection because the emergency brake won’t hold the truck in place when you place it in drive.  However, it WILL hold the truck in place if you place it in reverse.  Funny, don’t you think?  I don’t.  So, luckily since the guy found this out right off the bat, before he even drove it into the bay, he didn’t charge me the inspection fee.

I got in my truck and drove home, wiping away tears because I was crying.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I’m already stretched beyond thin with the down payment to the mechanic and the stupid payday loan.  Oh yea, and the emergency brake shoes broke when they were working on my truck so they replaced them (I only had to pay for the part, no labor since they broke it), so it should be holding the truck, but it’s not.

I get home, try to calm myself.  I look up the number to a mechanic where I take my truck for oil changes and ask them to give me a quote for how much it would cost to fix the problem.  He tells me that they would have to do a brake inspection to find out exactly what the problem is before he can tell me how much it will cost to fix it.  He does tell me that the inspection will cost around $50 and that if all it needs is an adjustment and a cleaning, then there’s no additional charge over the $50.  Great!  Or, it would be great if I had the money to do it.  I thank him and hang up.  I’m still freaking out, of course.  I still don’t know what I’m going to do.  I literally have $120 until my next payday on the 28th.  It’s enough for gas and another trip to the grocery store, but nothing more.

I sent an email begging and pleading to my mom.  I showed no shame whatsoever.  I hope that her and my dad are able to help me out.  I hated asking.  I hate acknowledging that I can’t handle something on my own and that I need outside help.  Of course, I don’t really expect them to say “yes.”  I’ve asked for help from them far too many times and would understand them telling me “no.”  I just hope that they can find it in there hearts to help bail me out of a pit one final time. 

I sent the email because I didn’t want to call.  I didn’t want to sit there and bawl my eyes out in my mom or dad’s ear after they’ve both had long days at work.  While I had no shame in my begging her for a small loan, I do want to retain at least some semblance of dignity.  I didn’t want to stoop to what could essentially be considered emotional blackmail.  That wouldn’t be fair to me or to my parents.

Growing up sucks and I apparently suck at growing up.  I’ve learned some hard lessons, but it seems they have a hard time sticking in my brain.  I don’t know if it’s just my crappy memory or if I just plain refused to believe that I’m an adult.  You’d think after all these 15 years that it’s been since I graduated high school and went out on my own into the world.  And boy did I go out on my own into the world.  I went straight from graduating high school to 9 days later on a plane to bootcamp in the middle of nowhere in Missouri in the middle of summer.  Of course, I loved it, but that’s another story.

I’m hoping this all turns out alright and I can laugh at my stupidity over this whole thing later on.  They say that god (or the universe, or whatever) won’t give you any more than you can handle.  He/she/it will never overburden you.  While I have been telling others this very same thing for the past month or so, almost like a mantra, apparently this higher power had plans for me.  Either he/she/it is saying “haha, in your face” kind of thing to me or it’s saying something along the lines of “how would you like to test that little saying of yours out?”  Not funny.  At least, I don’t find it funny.  Maybe he/she/it finds it hilarious, but I don’t.

I’m not a religious person.  If I were, I’d be having what they call a crisis of faith.  Seriously.  I have done nothing wrong and yet “god” sees fit to rain down upon me all this ill-fortune and financial strife.  It begs the question what did I do to deserve this?  Whose karmic foot did I step on?  I know that these are pointless and verging on blasphemous questions, but they are what come to mind in my state of utter panic.  I can’t think straight.  Sure, I think better under pressure, but that doesn’t mean that I want to be thrown into some high stress situation all willy-nilly and haphazardly. 

I did speak to a friend of mine who does a lot of his own mechanical work and has lots of tools and such at his disposal.  I asked him if he wouldn’t be able to take a look at the emergency brake and, if it indeed needs tightening, tighten it down for me so that it will work the way the inspection place needs it to function so that it will pass the inspection.  I will take it to him after work in the next couple of days so that he can do that for me.  If he can, then I only have to worry about the $40 inspection fee and of course, still being painfully broke until my next payday, unless my parents can see fit to help me out.

I called and spoke with the apartment complex office about maybe giving me a little bit of an extension until the end of the month to get my inspection taken care of because I really am trying to get it done.  She said she would contact the courtesy officer and see what he says.  I hope he’s feeling nice.  She hadn’t called me back before I went into work.

Something that I am going to do in order to help myself out is that I am going to sell some of my things.  I have a Wii game console and some games.  I can sell my bicycle and the saddle bags.  I can list my cds for sale; however, I don’t know how well that’s going to work out for me since I don’t have the cases for them.  If I can sell those things in the next few days to a week, I’ll be alright.  Something else that will help me out is when I go out from work for my surgery for 3 weeks, I’ll be able to make a claim to my short term disability and get a check from them.  Of course, I won’t get that for like 2 months from now, so it’s nothing that’s going to help me out any time soon, but I can use it to pay down my payday loan and that will help me out a lot.

But I still have that pit feeling in my stomach.  Simply because things are not fully resolved yet.  Yea, sure I’ve got plans and hopes about things, but in the end they may not work out and my truck may get towed and there’s nothing I can do about that because I have done all that I can and it isn’t enough.  But I hope that it is enough.  I hope that the courtesy officer can be kind enough to give me an extension and I hope that my friend Richard is able to fix what is wrong with the emergency brake.  I also hope that my parents can help me out with something.  Maybe not the full amount I begged for, but something, anything that they are able to loan me would help out immensely.

I have managed to lose a total of 5.2 pounds within 3 weeks.  This is amazing because I have been able to do little to no physical activity.  It’s been cold and snowy and icy so I hadn’t even taken the dog for a walk in around 2 weeks, just her twice daily potty walks.  I should have started Weight Watchers sooner.  It seems to work great for me.  I love the point system.  It’s easy to use and I don’t have to count calories.  I am interested in seeing if I am still able to lose weight while I’m temporarily disabled by my surgery and barely able to get the dog out for her potties.

Once I’m all healed up from my surgery, I will be able to start working out, which will accelerate my weight loss.  I am really looking forward to being active again.  Since I’m going to put my bicycle up for sale, I won’t be able to ride my bicycle (if it sells, that is), but I can walk more and longer and faster than I have been.  I’m going to start working on my jogging and getting over my running phobia also.  I can go to town on the elliptical machine too.  Oooh!  And I can start using my workout dvds as well.  That will be so nice.  I’ve got a bellydancing one that I absolutely love.  And Pilates.  I love Pilates.  All this activity will make me feel so alive again.   

I really can’t wait to be able to go for day hikes with the dog or kayaking with my friend Doug.  Someday, I’ll be able to go running with Heather.  Maybe once I’ve gotten to that level, I can talk her into running a 5K with me.  That would be awesome and fun.  So that is really my ultimate goal, running a 5K and finishing it.  It may be a common goal for people trying to lose weight, but I can see now why it is such a great goal to aspire to.

Lately, in my sleep, I’ve been dreaming of writing.  I dream of writing whole blogs in one sitting.  I dream myself reading what I’m writing.  I even feel the sense of satisfaction that comes from writing something worth writing and something worth reading.  I think it’s great, really I do.  It seems to be helping my mind flow when I want to write.  I’ve also been writing more often and more volume lately.  And, frankly, I think my writing has a better quality to it as well.  I think about writing an awful lot.  I like to think in the way that I would write it if I had a pad and pen in front of me.

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