Monday, March 7, 2011


Learning to love the plus-sized me isn’t the easiest journey I’ve ever attempted in my life.  It’s rough and it’s heart wrenching and it’s not pretty.  Before I can love myself as I am, I have to be happy and content with where I am with my life and how I am right now.  We all have struggles in life and this is fast becoming one of my greatest struggles.  I have to come to terms with the fact that I am, indeed, plus-sized. 

It took me 7 months to pack on 50 pounds.  Seven months of allowing someone else to decide what I put in my body, of allowing someone else to make crucial decisions that I should have been making for myself but was too cowardly to stand up and do. 

I allowed Jon-Pierre to take the wheel figuratively and literally.  I let him drive my truck all the time because he complained of motion sickness if he was in the passenger seat.  It was just easier than him huffing and moaning as I drove or whining about nausea after we’d arrived at our destination or critiquing my driving technique.  When I relinquished the keys to my truck, I relinquished the keys to my life.  I didn’t just hand him my heart on a silver platter, I handed him my life.

When I handed over my life to him, I made it almost unbearable for me to function without him.  He was like air to me.  I was not in love with him, I was obsessed.  He was not the object of my desire, he was my stalking victim.  The only difference was that I didn’t have to sneakily follow him places or “randomly” and “coincidentally” turn up at the same places where he was, we lived together.

Sure, he filled my head with empty promises of a future together.  He taunted me with tidbits like he already had the ring picked out.  All I had to do was to quit being so insecure and get a grip on my life.  The only obstacle to me actually doing that was that he wouldn’t relinquish control of my own life back to me.  He wouldn’t give me the breathing room that I needed to take a breath on my own.  Even if he had, I wouldn’t have been able to.  It would have been like I was under water.  I would have drowned without him there to give me reason to live.

I was doomed.  I did it to myself.  But he sure as hell didn’t help me in any way.  He knew he had control and he loved it.  He was all about the rescue.  In one of our final text conversations with each other, I pointed this out to him, that he had a thing for the damsel in distress.  His retort was that maybe my tower was too high to climb, thereby making it my fault and all my doing, removing any blame from himself.  I got the last word and replied saying “or your determination wasn’t high enough.  I told you I was damaged.”  I haven’t heard from him since.

I don’t look out the window, searching the parking spaces below for his motorcycle.  I don’t check his apartment windows for lights like I used to.  I don’t even check his front door for any notes that may have been there for days at a time anymore.  I’ve stopped caring.  His hold over me is almost completely gone. 

I have taken back my keys and I'm not handing them over ever again.  It doesn’t mean I won’t let someone drive for me, it just means that they had better damn well be driving their vehicle because they’re not driving mine.  I’ve learned my lesson.  It was a costly one, but I learned it. 

I am my own person again and I like how it feels.  I remember back to the last time I was truly single for more than a few months.  I was on my own for about 2 years.  Sure I had a “friend with benefits” that would come over once or twice a month, but other than that, I was unattached and liked it that way.  That was the happiest I have ever been.  I was free to be me and there was no one to impress or hope to not disappoint.  I want to be that person again.  I want to remember who I am and what I want out of life.  I want to remember what makes me happy and what makes me laugh and smile and sigh with contentment.  I want to make new friends and continue to reconnect with old friends.  I want to go out and have a good time.  I want to dress up and feel pretty.  I want to do things for me.  I only want to think about me.  

While I won't be able to lose the weight overnight, I am still going to give it my best.  It will be an accomplishment that I will be truly proud of.  It will give me more character and will teach me things that I need to learn about myself and about life.  It will give me new perspectives and new approaches to situations.  I want to look forward to the future and live life with a smile on my face.

I don’t want someone around who will just drag me down or put a damper on who I am.  If you don’t like me for who I truly am, then I don’t want you anywhere near me. And right now, that is a plus-sized woman.

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