Keeping myself motivated is practically a full time job all on its own. I look in the mirror and I’m instantly discouraged. When I look in the mirror, I see a lumpy, unattractive blob of flesh staring back at me. I’m not so much curvaceous as I am obscenely voluptuous. I take up far too much air space. Yea, true, like I’ve said before, I *could* be fatter…a LOT fatter. And sure, there are bigger women out there that look at my body and wish they could fit into my clothes…would kill to fit in my clothes, really. But none of that matters because I really don’t care what others see when they look at me.
Yea, yea, yea. You’ve heard that one before. But, really, I truly don’t care what they think of how I appear outwardly. Why? Because it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters to me is how I view myself. If I am happy with how I look, then I am confident and full of self esteem.
It’s difficult to motivate myself when I look in the mirror and I’m disgusted by what I see. When I look at my body and view it as a total and complete ruin of what it once was not long ago, it’s hard to not just throw in the towel. When I binge on just a little bit of chocolate, it’s hard for me to not think that I have completely failed myself and let myself down. I feel like I have no self control, even though it’s basically a negligible amount and really won’t make a difference.
I do my daily cardio and I feel like it’s not enough, that I should be doing at least twice what I’m doing now. I feel that I should do so much that I collapse when I am done. You see, I have a problem when it comes to exercise. I get obsessive. You might think I’m joking or that I’m over exaggerating…that an hour and a half to 2 hours of cardio a day wouldn’t be as bad as I’m making it out to be. But, you’d be wrong because if I let myself bump it up to an hour and a half to 2 hours, then the next thing I know, I’ll be doing 3 hours and then 4 hours a day. Working out will become my life. If I’m not asleep or at work, I’ll be working out. It’s happened before.
Having a bunny will definitely keep this from happening because I will spend a good amount of my free time playing with the bunny. I won’t be able to obsess about working out because I won’t have the time to commit to obsessing about it.
I’m very excited about getting the bunny. So excited, in fact, that last night I had a bit of an anxiety attack. I got myself all worked up about whether or not a bunny was the right pet for me and whether or not I’d be able to care properly for a rabbit and whether I was making a mistake and so on. Luckily, since I started taking the herbs from the natural health center, I’m not really prone to anxiety anymore, which is a completely liberating feeling, let me tell you.
So, while I got myself all worked up, my thoughts didn’t become as obsessive and racing as they normally would. Instead, I was able to talk sense to myself, telling myself I was only freaking out because I hadn’t allowed myself the instant gratification of immediately going out and adopting a bunny directly after deciding that I wanted one. But this is a good thing that I’ve decided to make myself wait and not allow the usual instant gratification. That makes this the most informed and intelligent decision I’ve made for as long as I can remember. I never even put this much thought into buying a car or renting an apartment. Usually, I just see something I like and I’m done. I don’t shop around. I don’t do comparisons, I just impulse buy and impulse commit. That’s how I get myself in a lot of the trouble I get into…I don’t think before I do something, I just do it.
But I don’t want to make the same mistake I always make with yet another pet. I got the dog shortly after Jon-Pierre and I separated because I felt I needed something to take his place in my life. I needed something for emotional support, so I went out and I got a dog, the very first dog I met. Well, that’s not exactly true, I *had* brought home another dog before I brought home the dog I kept, but I took her back to where I had gotten her from because she was way too much for me to handle and she chased my cat and scared the bejeezus out of him. But I brought home my little doggie because I felt I needed something to take his place in my life, to fill the massive void he left. I didn’t think it through. I didn’t do my homework. Someone told me that the humane society was having a cheap adoption fee weekend, so off I went to bring home a dog; and I was determined to do just that. Instant gratification.
Thankfully, after 5 months, I finally realized that it just wasn’t working and that, no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted it, I was not a dog person. Not without having a yard where I could put the dog for potty needs. The walking up and down 3 floors worth of stairs had long since gotten old and was a chore for me. I no longer enjoyed my dog’s company. But I had a friend with small children, whom my dog absolutely loved, who was willing to take her so I didn’t have to take her back to the shelter.
I guess I’m just afraid that I’m rushing into getting another pet. Really, I wanted another cat, but I really don’t want to deal with it shredding my furniture or getting it spayed/neutered because I will want a kitten, which means I wouldn’t be getting it from a shelter. Really, a rabbit is the only logical choice. They love affection and they love to play and they’re intelligent and they’re fastidious about keeping themselves clean. They’re social and seek attention. Also, you don’t HAVE to take them outside multiple times a day to use the restroom, you just have to clean their litterbox every other day and I don’t mind litterboxes at all.
I’m just afraid that I’m getting a rabbit for all the wrong reasons. And the only reason I’m having these thoughts is because I am allowing myself time to think everything through by making myself wait an entire month before I bring a bunny home with me. I will have already set up the cage and gotten some toys and a litterbox and bedding and pellet food and bagged grass hay. I will have completed all my readings and know as much as I can possibly know about rabbits without actually having one.
I’ve had a rabbit in the past. There were a few problems with that. First, it was a wild rabbit. He never was able to calm down except for a couple times and enjoy my company. He was highly anxious and hyper-alert at all times. I even tried to put him on a harness with a leash to let him hop around, but he just proceeded to freak out and thrash about and I was afraid he was going to hurt himself. So I returned the harness as a failed experiment. He was just too high strung for me to really enjoy his company. So, the poor guy ended up living out the rest of his days stuck in his cage. I don’t know what happened, I just know that one morning, I went to feed him and he was just laying there, cold and stiff. I was sad, of course, why wouldn’t I be? But he was in a better place and no longer freaking out all the time, so I was also relieved. I guess, looking back, it would have been better if I had just released him back into the wild, what with him being a wild rabbit to begin with. Hind sight, you know.
My other problem with keeping that wild rabbit was that I knew nothing about keeping rabbits. I knew how to keep rats and hamsters and gerbils and just assumed that rabbits were similar as far as responsibilities were concerned. I know for a fact that I didn’t change his litter/bedding frequently enough, I didn’t remove day old grass hay every day or wash out his fresh food bowls like I should have. I also fed him too much sweet fruits and vegetables. Too many apples and carrots and strawberries. I didn’t socialize with him as much as I really should have, even with him being a wild bunny. I could have handled him more and maybe it would have made him a little calmer. But I just thought that it stressed him out unnecessarily.
Every mistake I made with Ziggy (the wild bunny), I swear I won’t make with my new bunny. I will handle and play with bunny every day. I will clean the cage and litter box on a regular basis. I will feed fresh vegetables and grass hay every day. I will dole out treat foods, like fruit, responsibly and no more than 2 tablespoons a day. I will take the bunny safely outside for quality time on his leash. I will allow bunny out of his cage for at least 2 hours a day for playtime. I will snuggle with and groom bunny daily to bond with him. I will create a trusting relationship between me and bunny and I will provide a safe and fun environment for him. My bunny will be spoiled in every way possible. I will get a great nest box for him and a play pen and a good variety of toys.
I believe I am getting this rabbit for the right reasons. And I believe that by the time I bring bunny home, that I will have thought through every possible situation regarding the initial process of adjustment with the bunny and with creating a schedule and routine for socializing with my bunny. They say they respond better when you interact with them around the same times every day and create a steady routine for them.