Some people think I'm beating myself up over the whole thing with Jon-Pierre. Maybe I am and maybe I'm not, but it doesn't really matter in the end. The base truth of the matter is that I allowed it to happen and therefore, deep down, it is my own fault that I got into the situation that I got into with him. Things really went downhill the night that I wasn't able to sleep alone in the bed without him laying next to me. I should have known something was wrong at that point. I mean, seriously, how could I have not realized that? Probably because the relationship was still fairly new and we had the whole "honeymoon" thing going on so it seemed to make sense that I had that "problem."
And if you think I'm beating myself up simply because I keep bringing the subject up, then let me tell you that is not the case. It's like therapy. Every time I talk about it, I get a little better. So, you see, if I don't talk about it and I keep it bottled up, then I am doing myself no favors. I would only be doing myself more harm.
The daily exercising is going well. I did my second time on the treadmill this past Friday. It went a little better than the first time simply because I knew what to expect this time. I knew that I wouldn't be able to jog much further than 200 yards at a time. I also knew that I wouldn't be able to go much longer than 15 minutes and that my cut off would be at a mile. So, it went well, I think. My goal is to double what I'm currently able to do and be able to go 1/4 mile before having to stop and walk. I'm hoping I can get there in 4-6 weeks. When I reach that goal, my new goal will be to go 1/2 a mile without walking and so on and so forth until I'm able to jog a full 3 miles without stopping to walk. When I can do that on the treadmill, then I will start jogging outside. I'll want to do that when it's not as hot outside, so that means waking up early twice a week on my days off to go jogging. I'm giving myself a year to reach my goal of 3 miles, but I am hoping that it won't take that long. But I have allotted the time, so if it does take that long, then it's okay with me.
I am selling a chest freezer that I've had in my storage unit for a couple years now for $175. I'll be able to take that money and buy a new crank for my bicycle. Once I have the new crank on my bicycle, then I can start going for a bicycle ride once a week. I say only once a week because when I go for a bicycle ride I don't fool around. I go for 2, 3, 4 hours at a time. I will, of course, stick with the 2 hours at first because I don't want to overdo it and hurt myself. I will start with just going around the park trail near where I live. Once I've done that for a couple weeks, then I'll start taking longer trips that have some topography to them. I'll start using my bicycle to get around town on my days off to run errands and such.
Around the beginning or middle of May, I'll be able to get a new gym membership, which means I can add at 3 days of weight lifting a week to my schedule. I can and will do the weights on days that I also do some sort of cardio. I will probably keep the weights to my days off. As a result of that, I may lift weights 4 times a week every other week to correspond with all of my days off. I want to do as much exercise as I can safely manage to do. I want nothing more than to be healthy and fit again and to have my body back. I don't want to look in the mirror and be disgusted by what I see anymore.
Last week, I didn't see any change in my weight, staying at exactly the same as I had been the week before, down to the 10th of a pound even. This week, I feel as though I have lost some and hope to see that reflected on the scale. I believe that I can make the weight loss happen. I believe that it is possible and completely doable.
This week, I actually gained half a pound, but I'm going to do my best to not let that get me down. I've got to remain focused on the positive and keep up the exercise on a daily basis. Besides, as a friend pointed out, maybe I've put on a little muscle mass and that's why I haven't lost anything. I can hope, right?
Today, I bought me a nice pair of running shoes. So, now, when I use the treadmill, maybe my shins won't burst into flames again. The shoes I got have a stability focus since it seems I roll my ankles in as I stride, which is most likely what caused my shin pain in the first place.