Friday, April 1, 2011

New Ways

Well, I’m back at work now and I’m doing my actual job, not just riding a desk on light duty.  It feels good.  It feels good to wear my uniform again, even if it is a little tight on me at the moment.  But that will be remedied with time.  I am back to sticking with my Weight Watchers plan, so I should start losing the weight again.  I am a little insecure when dealing with the inmates right now.  That will get better the more I readjust to being an officer again and the more time I spend in the housing units and spend dealing with the inmates.  I also have to remember to do things throughout the day that, just because I’ve been away from it for as long as I have, I have completely forgotten about.

Since my uniform is a little tight right now, my pants are squeezing me around the abdomen, I’m having some acid reflux issues that I haven’t had in almost 2 months now.  I have a little workout schedule going on now that I’m back to working at the full capacity of my job.  Every day that I work, I do 45 minutes on the elliptical machine, which is more like an elliptical stair climber because it doesn’t have the normally present arm levers that you pump back and forth while you stride.  I wish it had those because that would be a much better workout, but it’s better than no workout at all as far as I’m concerned.

I’m looking forward to being able to expand my repertoire of exercise and activity in the near future.  I need to wait until I’ve gotten rid of my payday loan before I can seriously consider getting a new gym membership.

I go to a natural health center that does acupuncture, acupressure, natural allergy relief, nutritionist consultations, and herbs.  They have 2 different cleanses that you can partake of.  The first one is a 7-day cleanse and runs about $75.  One of the results of this cleanse is that you lose about 10 pounds during that seven days.  I’m really looking forward to doing it.  It will probably be at the beginning of May before I can do it.  I know that dropping those 10 pounds in only a week will do wonders for my self esteem and my motivation to keep up the good work when it comes to losing weight.  Another thing the cleanse will do is to boost my metabolism overall so that I burn fat more efficiently, thus improving

So, I went in for one of my appointments at the natural health center, they did a nutritional consultation with me.  Turns out that my current “diet” is pretty healthy as is.  The only issue she had with it turned out to be a valid one…I’ve been eating a bowl of cereal with skim milk each morning.  Then, within 3 hours, I’m starving.  She told me to try some protein instead.  So, this morning, I had 2 scrambled eggs with cut up bacon, asparagus and mushrooms scrambled it.  Delicious.  And it was over 4 hours before I was hungry again.  So, I have a new breakfast routine.  One that will probably help me to lose more weight!

The center also did an herbal consultation for me.  I got a blend of Chinese herbs that is aimed toward resolving anxiety.  I’m really hoping that it works.  Of course, I may have to wait until I’ve gotten rid of my payday loan before I can use the herb blend on a regular basis

My finances are so completely messed up right now.  If I had known just how messed up they were, I would have waited on buying the pair of eyeglasses I ordered last week.  Sure, I need them, but waiting another month when I’ve been without them for so long already wouldn’t have killed me.  It’s not like one of my eyes was about to pop out if I didn’t hurry up and get eyeglasses.

Thanks to the around $2200 in repairs I had to have done to my truck, I am B-R-O-K-E.  I had to get a damn payday loan to pay the down payment on the repairs (which was half the total cost) and then the mechanic shop financed the other half at 6 monthly payments of $204.  Lovely.  So now I’m shelling out just over $600 a month for all of that.  I need to get on the ball and make my short term disability claim so I can pay off the payday loan with that check.  Once that’s taken care of, I’ll be okay financially again and can breathe a nice, deep sigh of relief.

I am rehoming my little dog, “Miss Q.”  I’m going to miss her so very much, but it’s in her best interest that she have a new home.  She’s bored and generally not happy in my home.  Sure, we go for hour and a half to 2-hour walks a couple/few times a week, but other than that, our interaction is quite limited.  I’m going to miss her snuggling up to me at night to sleep.  I’m going to miss her little antics when I would get her all excited and she would dance and run around the apartment.  I will miss her cute little face and her big, soulful eyes.  But at least I can visit her.

She’s going to a friend of mine’s home.  A friend that only works 8-hour shifts instead of the 12-hour shifts I work.  So that’s less time for her in the crate, which equates to less stress on her.  Also, she has 2 adorable and fun little children and she absolutely LOVES little children.  So, right there, I know she will be happier.  She’ll get to play with them every day and I know that Heather will take good care of her.  Heather has been trained as a veterinary assistant, so she’s very knowledgeable about dogs and how to care for them the best.  Heather is also a runner, and I think that Miss Q would enjoy a short run every now and then.  She’s so cute when she runs too.

See, at heart, I’m really a cat person and if I’m going to have a dog, I need to make sure that the dog is a breed that is okay with very little human interaction, or at least very little activity.  Also, I think it would be better if I do get my next dog as a puppy so that I can properly bond with it.

I think I would be best suited with a female pug.  Pugs require low amounts of daily activity as a breed generality.  They are somewhat cat-like in that they don’t require huge amounts of human interaction like most, more active dogs.  They are content to lounge around the house and be just fine with that.  I specifically said a female pug, not because I prefer female animals (because, frankly, I prefer male animals), but because female pugs are more likely to be even more cat-like in nature than the males are.  The males are more snuggly.  And I’m all for snuggly, I just don’t want it all the time.  Besides, my cat already demands daily snuggles.

Also, I don’t think that pugs are big barkers and I don’t really like it when dogs bark.  I like my quiet when I’m at home.  And even if I got a pug that was inclined to bark, I don’t think they have a yippy-yappy type bark that is particularly annoying.  And I don’t want my dog to be annoying to me, kind of defeats the purpose of having a dog in the first place if it annoys you.  I want my dog to be a joy to me.  I want to thoroughly enjoy my relationship with my dog.

Even though I’m against getting animals from breeder and am an advocate for adopting shelter animals, I think I will be getting my little puggie from a breeder.  That’s the only way I can guarantee full bonding with my new puppy.  I mean, of course, I will check out pug rescue organizations to see if they have any puppies, but puppies don’t stay long in ANY rescue or shelter set up.  With a breeder, I would be guaranteed my puppy.

And, if I get my future puppy from a breeder, I can research the paternity of the puppy and find out what the potential health problems may be.

After Miss Q went to her new home the other day, it hit me a little bit.  It first hit when I handed Heather the leash and then we walked down the stairs.  Miss Q kept running back up the stairs to be next to me while I was trying to walk Heather’s 2-year old daughter down the stairs.  Then, later that evening, when I went to bed and she wasn’t already in the bed waiting for me so she could snuggle up to me.  In the morning, it hit me that I didn’t have to feed her.  It consoles me to know that she is happier with her new family.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m supposed to be with anyone at all.  I see people every day that seem to have found the person that they are supposed to love, or at least the person that is supposed to love them.  I go through life every day wondering what went so horribly wrong in my life that I am seemingly not meant to find love.  Or, if I do find it, it’s corrupt and I’m not meant to keep it. 

Most men I date will claim they don’t want kids at the beginning of the relationship because I’ve stated I do not want children and never have.  They proceed then to attempt to persuade me into wanting children.  I didn’t play house or anything like that growing up.  I didn’t play with baby dolls or Barbie dolls.  The only doll I had that I liked was my homemade Sally doll that my paternal grandmother had made for me as a Christmas present when I was about 4.  But, I didn’t play with it or carry it around with me like a security blanket.  I only slept with it on my bed.

I begin to wonder if I’m not meant to find real love until after my child-bearing years have finally and mercifully passed me by.  Sometimes, this thought makes me feel defeated, like I’ve given in and given up something intrinsic to my being.

Why is it that girls are schooled from a young age that they MUST find a mate, a man to make their life complete.  Why are we taught that we are not whole beings on our own, nor can we achieve this status until we find a companion?  I believe that if this was not something to be ingrained into our minds from practically the time of our first steps that I would not feel any loss at being completely and irrevocably single right now.  I would revel in my singleness.  I would find joy in my freedom.  But, instead, I long for that connection that only a loving and intimate relationship can create for me.

After much thought, I came to the realization that the last time I was truly happy and at peace with my life was when I was single for 2 years.  This was about 4 years ago.  I ruined it by feeling lonely.  I allowed myself to be pressured and guilted into dating a specific guy by someone I believed to be my friend (a couple years after this, it became quite apparent that she was not my friend and that she was extremely immature and selfish and manipulative), and therefore maybe knowing what may have been best for me that I just couldn’t see myself.  I dated him for 2 years, but the relationship was truly done after only 6 months when he hacked his way into my social network account.  If he really wanted to know what was in my account, all he had to do was ask, I had nothing to hide, but instead he went behind my back like the little weasel he really was.  But I didn’t see this about him.  I was infatuated with being in a relationship, with not being alone to face the world.  The sad truth is not so much that I want to actually be in a relationship so much as I simply don’t want to be alone. 

I never really thought of myself as a people person, always considering myself a bit of a loner.  When I found myself off from work for 3 weeks as a result of having surgery, I found out that I was a people person.  I experienced such an overwhelming sense of disconnection and crushing loneliness.  It was almost more than I could bear.  I became increasingly angry and hostile toward people over the internet.  I would figuratively bite their heads off over the littlest things.  I felt like such an ass and yet, I couldn’t stop myself.  It was more than a compulsion, it was practically a necessity.  It was a cry for attention and a cry for help all in one.


  1. hey girl. you gotta quit beating yourself up over the guy thing, the weight thing, the money thing. unfortunately, this happens. and unfortunately no advice, or warm wishes, or hearing someone say... "I know how you feel", when they truly don't won't help you at all. unfortunately we all just gotta keep chugging, keep moving on. I feel someday we will have that AHA moment (kind of like you realizing that when you were single you were happy), but we wont know when it happens. It will likely drift in and out and we will return to stress again. Sorry. am I being pessimistic. hard not to be. anyways, my most pessimistic friend on the planet has turned into an annoying glass half full person, but I don't want b.s., all we want is a little love. And I do love you. even though i am far away, I love you. I am here for you. If you ever feel like escaping your life, you can always come crash with me. :) there's your optimism babe! mwah!

  2. i'm not beating myself up, i'm just still going thru the recovery process when it comes to the guy. about my finances, that is entirely my own fault, so yes i'm beating myself up for that one and it won't stop until my finances are straight again.

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