Saturday, September 10, 2011

Just how it is right now

9 September 2011

Over the past few days, I came to a realization that was a little hard for me to swallow.  I am depressed.  I shouldn’t be because I’m on a good dose of antidepressant.  Of course, just because something shouldn’t be, doesn’t mean it won’t or can’t be.  So, when I see my doctor next month, I will ask him to please up my dosage. 

I know I’m depressed because, well, I’ve been depressed many, many times before.  And I know I’m seriously depressed right now because I am on the antidepressants.  I find myself sleeping for longer periods of time and dozing and napping during the day on my days off.  I find I have no motivation to do anything, including playing World of Warcraft on the computer.  I just put in a dvd and lay down on the couch and I either watch it or I close my eyes and doze through it.

I just feel like I have absolutely no purpose whatsoever, like there is no reason for me to even be alive.  Of the few friends I have here in Texas, no one ever wants to do anything with me or come hang out with me, so I feel completely worthless on top of purposeless.  And I don’t see my life changing anytime soon, so I’m also completely hopeless.  Adds up to that if I was a coward (or maybe if I were brave), I would have probably committed suicide by now.  but I’m not.  I would NEVER do that.  I could never put my family through that kind of pain and grief.  I could never put the few friends that I do have through that kind of sorrow.  So, please don’t take it to mean that I’m suicidal, because I’m not.  I’m just trying to put it in perspective as to just how serious my depression really is.  I don’t want to die, even remotely, but I see no point in my continued existence. 

I hate feeling this way.  I can’t live like this.  After I make my last payment to the payday loan people next month, I can start going out on my own and doing karaoke and not spending so much time as a shut in like I have been.  So, at least there’s an end in sight for me.  also, I have a new friend.  His name is Jeff.  We mostly just email, but we met for some tasty German food last week.  He’s a really cool guy and if we were looking to date anyone, I’d definitely be interested in dating him.  But, neither of us wants to date anyone.  And I can always use a new friend, even if we only hang out once a week or once every other week.

Friends are something that are in short supply for me lately.  I haven’t had a good friend since Greg.  He was one of the best friends I had ever had…or so I thought.  We were so in sync with each other, each having the same sense of humor, each having the same interests.  But then he turned on me.  He was vicious in his turning.  His actions could have gotten me fired from my job because I didn’t have a vehicle at that time and he just decided to leave me without a ride to work, without any kind of notice for me to find someone else to help me out.  I was able to scramble a back up plan into action and soon after I received my settlement check from my rollover accident a year prior and was able to buy a reliable vehicle. 

But the damage was done.  I was so heartbroken over losing what I saw as an extremely close friendship with Greg that when I met Jon-Pierre, I was so desperate for companionship that I fell for everything he said, for every line he fed me, for every lie he whispered in my ear.  And then, I was so desperate to hold onto that companionship that I held onto the scraps of that dead relationship with Jon-Pierre for so long after it was shredded and gone that it did even more damage to my psyche.  So much more emotional damage than I was mentally able to cope with.  I practically shut down.  I could barely function enough to make it to work every day.  I was constantly anxious and petrified of what was going to happen to me, how I was going to go on without him by my side.

It has been a little over a year since Jon-Pierre left me defeated.  I am still not over him.  It doesn’t help that him and his new girlfriend (I say “new” but he started talking to her and seeing her before he had actually left me) live within 20 feet of my front door.  That’s right, not only do they live in the same apartment complex, the same building, but I have to walk past their front door to get to mine every single day.  I had held onto hope that when his lease was up this month that they would move, but they haven’t.  So I am stuck with them as neighbors.  I am stuck seeing his motorcycle and her PT Cruiser in the parking lot everyday.  I’m stuck occasionally running into them in the parking lot or on the stairs.  

I will just have to deal with it.  Just like I have to deal with waiting until my move back home to Oregon can happen, just shy of a year and a half from now.  I eagerly and impatiently await this move.  It will mean so much to me.  I will be with my family again.  I will be with my friends again.  The friends that have been with me since high school, junior high, and even some since elementary.  The friends that have never let me down.  The friends who, the only reason they weren’t there for me, was because I had moved away from them. 

I know that once I’m back in Oregon and near all my friends and my family again, that I will be a lot better.  I will be truly happy.  I will have people who care about me and me about them and that I get to do things with all the time.  I’ll have a reason and a purpose again.  I won’t be hopeless anymore.  I’ll have a support system, unlike here in Texas where I’ve left myself to fend for myself…and I’ve left myself ill prepared at best to truly deal with how my life has become.

I long for the happiness I once had.  I long for my life to feel fulfilled again.  I long for the day when I am surrounded by people who care about me and want to be around me and actually take the time out to hang out with me or go sing karaoke with me.  I long for the day that I can accompany my dad and brothers on camping and hiking trips.  I long for the day that I can babysit my niece so my brother and his wife can go out for the evening.  I long to go on Saturday shopping trips with my mom.  I long to get to know my brother’s wife and my other brother’s fiancée.  I long to have a relationship with my niece.  I long to reconnect with my best friend of near 18 years, Patricia.  I have missed her so very much all these years.  But she has always remained important to me and to my life, even if I couldn’t be around her as I wished.  My time in Texas draws near to a close.  Finally.  I have just been gone for far, far too long now. 

 Even if I hadn’t already made my plans to leave Texas and return to Oregon, I would have still made that decision after this horrendous summer of extreme heat, extreme drought and terrible wildfires that have been occurring all around central Texas, I would have made the decision that it was time for me to leave and go back home.  I have been miserable in Texas for quite some time now.  It just doesn’t make any sense for me to continue to stay somewhere that makes me so miserable.

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