Sunday, March 11, 2012

Disappointment

Right now I’m struggling.  I’m struggling with disappointment and feelings of failure.  Last week, on 2 occasions, I binge ate.  I felt horrible when I was doing it, but as usual, I was powerless to stop it.  I hate that I get like that and I hate it even more that I am powerless to stop it.  I’m such a strong-willed person it doesn’t make sense that I can’t control what would seem to be a simple compulsion…a compulsion to stuff my face with any and all food I can find available.  But it’s anything but simple. 

I recently read an article that describes the compulsion to binge eat as a sleeping beast.  You never know when it’s going to wake, but when it does, there’s no stopping it.  It just takes what it wants and won’t be quelled until its ready to be quelled.  Something that this article mentioned trying was when you feel the beast of binge stirring within; take a walk to distract the beast.  Just a 10-15 minute walk is all you need to distract the beast enough for it to lose complete interest in bingeing and to return to its slumber. 

I am so excited to try this idea out.  Of course, I do not, under any circumstances, wish an episode of this compulsion on myself, but when it does come around, I’ll be excited to try out the talking a walk theory.  I’m highly interested to see if it will indeed work for me.  I have high hopes that it will.  I really enjoy walks so I don’t know why I didn’t think of this idea on my own.  But the article suggests doing anything you enjoy to distract yourself long enough for the compulsion to pass, which usually takes about 10-15 minutes.  I know me and I know that just opening a great book won’t do the trick.  I will continue to obsess over food until I can cram it in my mouth, so completely removing me from the vicinity of any and all food by taking a walk is the only way.  It’s the only thing that could work for me. 

The other thing I am struggling with is the apparent consequences of my bingeing last week.  The scale showed a 4 pound gain this week.  Of course, part of the problem is my unreliable bowels and the fact that there has been no movement for a few days.  I took a laxative, but all it did was give me gas.  No help.  I guess this week is a total wash.  I will not count any loss or gain as there are extenuating circumstances as to why my weight is what it is at the moment.  I don’t know what else to do to help myself out.  I already take a hefty dose of a psyllium fiber supplement every day and I get plenty of fruits and vegetables.  I don’t know why that function is so dysfunctional in me…except genetics.  My dad and one of his sisters have the exact same issue. 

So, I will go on with this week as if I had not weighed in and seen that horrible number on the scale.  I will workout regularly and eat diligently and healthfully.  I will continue on and hope next Sunday’s number is a good one, gone in the right direction. 

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