Thursday, May 31, 2012

Learning To Love Myself

Something I’ve noticed about myself is that I tend to want to have direction in my life.  I like having someone tell me what I’m supposed to do and for how long to do it and in what way and where and how.  I rarely take any initiative in my own life.  No wonder I’m not able to fully connect with my inner self and make lasting changes to my behavior. 

I recently started reading this book by Bob Harper (of Biggest Loser tv fame).  It’s called Are You Ready!  Sure the title is a little silly because that is technically a question but they used it as a statement, so it doesn’t really make sense.  But I suppose it works.  It makes you question what the book is about.  I’m still in part 1 of 3, but I can tell this is a great book and is going to help me out in my process of changing things in my life.  It covers subjects like accepting yourself as you are, forgiving yourself for your perceived failures, and learning to love yourself by focusing on just one thing about yourself that you like or that you’re good at (for instance, I have GREAT calf and shin muscles and I’m really good at problem solving).

This book was a gift from my bestie, Jessica, when she came down to visit me at the beginning of May.  Now that I’ve finally gotten to reading it I’m really glad she did.    I think it’s going to help me out a good deal.  Especially now that my therapist has worked out a good payment arrangement with my copays so that I’m financially able to continue seeing her on a regular basis. 

I’m really hoping to make some progress with getting a handle on my binge eating and being able to tell myself “no” when it comes to eating food beyond what I need to eat.  A couple times over the last week and a half, I’ve been able to rein myself in, but for the most part I’ve been generally unsuccessful with controlling my eating of excess food.

I am pretty sure that my binge eating stems from my relationship with “JP” because before him, I didn’t have this problem.  I do it for comfort, I’m pretty sure of that as well.  I probably also do it because I don’t feel worthy and I lack confidence in myself to make good and positive changes in my life.  I’m probably also afraid of actually making changes.  Change is scary.  Especially when you lack confidence in yourself like I do.

Sure, I like to make like I’m self-confident and self-assure.  I like to act like I’m not afraid of what will happen if I do this or that.  But really, I’m terrified to make the changes I need to make, even though I know that I need to make them.  I’m really hoping that therapy will help me learn to love myself again and will help me gain confidence in myself and not be afraid to make changes in my life.

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