This week, Dr. H gave me something called the “Personal Bill of Rights.” It states that, as a human, I have the right to say no, to make requests, to have needs,, to be myself, to be respected, and to feel and express.
These are all very basic and straightforward rights and ideas. I need to learn these rights and understand them. I need to realize that they really do apply to me. I need to understand and accept that I am human just like everyone else and that I deserve to be treated with dignity and allowed my own wants and needs and boundaries.
Something Dr. H and I discussed was did I have a problem saying no to people. I said that in intimate relationships I very much have that problem. She asked me why I thought that was. The main thing I came up with was that I do it out of fear. Fear of disappointing that person and then them leaving my life.
Another issue I have is letting hurts and problems build up within me. I don’t deal with them. I just shove them to the side and ignore them and hope that they’ll just go away, even though I know they won’t. Along this same line, I allow hopeless relationships to continue. Why? Because I’m afraid to be alone. I’m afraid I won’t find someone else…that I won’t find someone better…that I don’t deserve someone better. For instance, years ago, I dated Toby. At 6 months, our relationship was over because he violated my trust, but I stayed with him for 2 years. All for the sake of my fear.
I have to build up my self-confidence and my feelings of self-worth. A great example is my struggle to lose weight. Last year, I managed to lose about 35 pounds. I did regain about 10 pounds around the end of the year. At the beginning of this year, I set my mind to lose 50 pounds. For 2 straight months, I ate 1100-1500 calories a day and exercised at least 30 minutes every day. I lost 24 pounds. Then, in the second week of March, I somehow gained 4 pounds. It completely knocked me off track. I managed to relose those 4 pounds, but the damage was done. I was still working out every day (an hour or more most days), but I was no longer losing weight. I was binge eating again. I haven’t been able to motivate myself to get back on track. I see this as a failure and I’m afraid I will just fail again and I don’t want to go through that disappointment again.
I’ve got to come up with a new plan of action. I’ll be dog sitting for the next 9 days. I’m going to use the time I spend at my friend’s house with her dogs to reflect and plan. It’s been almost 2 months since I worked out regularly. I need to come up with a workout plan I will follow and stick to. I also need to plan to go back to cooking most of my meals from fresh ingredients. My friend Doug has invited me to go to the farmer’s market with him one Saturday. I’m looking forward to that.
I think I am actually, but slowly, getting a bit of a handle on my binge eating. I don’t feel as out of control as I was before. I don’t feel like I’m getting the urges as much as I used to. Before it was at least 3 to 4 times a week…or more. Now it’s only about 1 or 2 times a week. I can’t believe I’m already seeing a difference. When I feel full, I don’t eat any more, usually. And that’s some pretty significant progress for me.