Monday, July 2, 2012

Retake Control

I’ve been getting the urge to be healthier.  This is a big step in the right direction for me because I’ve had nothing but urges to binge eat and be lazy that refuse to be ignored.  Part of me seems to have finally gotten sick and tired of living that way.  Part of me has gotten over feeling like I failed myself and is tired of me punishing myself with the self-disrespect I’ve been incessantly pummeling myself with for the past 3½ months. 

I’ve done nothing positive with myself during this time that I have felt like a failure.  I’ve only encouraged myself to do as little as possible and eat whatever I want, whenever I want.  And that is no way to live.  I know I’ve gained back at least 15 pounds of the 24 pounds I had lost at the beginning of this year.  I’m trying not to think about this.  I’m trying to focus on just starting over from where I’m at now.  Let me tell you, it *sounds* easy, but it’s not.  It’s not easy when you’re someone that has a habit of hyperanalyzing everything, especially when it comes to her body.

I mean, really, I’m just your average, typical adult female, obsessing over how my body looks, over every little last pound on the scale.  I’m too quick to jump to insulting myself and calling myself a failure and feeling complete disappointment in myself.  I don’t stop and focus on the amount of weight I’ve lost since I first started at the beginning of last year; I focus on the amount of weight I haven’t lost yet.  I’ve got to start praising myself for what I’ve accomplished thus far and not focus on how much of the journey is left to go ahead of me. 

I want to be one of those success stories you read in the magazines or on online blogs.  I want to be a testament to every woman’s ability to focus her energies and do whatever she wants with her life.  She can mold her body into the form she truly desires it to be.  She can sculpt her personality to be as nice or as mean as she wants to be toward others. 

I have to move past the hurt and damage done to me by JP.  I have to learn to accept that it is in the past and there’s nothing I can do to change it or erase it.  It’s done and over with.  I have to move on.  I have high hopes that the skills that Dr. H is teaching me will help me to do just that: move on with my life and retake control over myself. 

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