Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Self Love

I hate it when I “feel fat.”  We all say it, but what does it mean?  I mean, seriously…how can fat be a feeling?  Fat is an object, not an emotion or a sensation.  Sometimes it means we’re bloated because of water retention.  Sometimes we ate too much and we’re stuffed so much that it may hurt to move.  But that’s not when we say we “feel fat.”  We say this when we make poor choices one day and then look in the mirror the next day and we swear that we gained 5 pounds, which is completely ridiculous.  You can’t gain 5 pounds in one day.

Body dysmorphia.  It’s real.  It’s damaging.  It’s tragic.  But it doesn’t have to be the end.  You don’t have to let those nasty little thoughts in the back of your head telling you that you’re fat, that you’ll never be good enough, that your hips are too lumpy, that you have boobs on your back, that everyone is staring at the spare tire around your tummy win.  You’re the one in control.  You just have to believe it. 

It takes a lot for me to write about this.  It takes a lot out of me to be positive about my body image.  I do NOT have a positive body image.  I have a short attention span and tend to forget that I used to carry around 80 more pounds than I currently do.  I forget how far I’ve come when I look in the mirror and see the little tiny bit of muffin top that flat out refuses to go away.  I forget all that has gone into my total body transformation…and that’s exactly what it is…a transformation.  Not as dramatic as a caterpillar to a butterfly, but there’s a definite transformation.  Maybe from a hippo to a well fed gazelle?  Hahaha.  But seriously.  I’ve worked hard.  This hasn’t been easy.  So, why am I going to just throw it all out the window and forget it happened and let myself state “I feel fat”?  Huh?  Tell me.  Why would a rational person do this?  I don’t know.  I just know that I do it and I struggle with it.

A lot of it has to do with self-love.  When I was 250-ish pounds, I loathed myself.  I used to sleep naked (tmi?), but when I got that big, I didn’t want to see my body and be reminded of how gross I looked.  And I was constantly uncomfortable in my own skin.  The rolls of skin on my mid-section would touch each other and I hated it.  That was the worst part of it for me, as far as body sensations.  I hate my skin touching itself when it’s not supposed to.  Anyway, when I was that heavy, I started wearing pajamas so that I didn’t have to see the naked truth that was my body and so that I could push the shirt material in between my fat rolls so they wouldn’t be touching each other.

Learning to love myself along the way is the hardest thing about losing weight.  Like I said before, I forget how far I’ve come and when I look in the mirror, part of me sees the fit body that’s actually there and part of me sees the body I started this journey with and is disgusted.  Don’t get me wrong, I am constantly amazed at what my body is capable of doing now that I could only dream of doing when I was 80 pounds heavier.  I mean, I can run FOURTEEN MILES!!!  Who does that?  Me, that’s who.

I have to keep reminding myself of my accomplishments.  It’s not automatic for them to come to mind.  It’s not automatic for me to be proud of myself.  Sure, I’m an immensely positive person now.  And confident.  Oh my have I become confident.  But part of me, deep inside, is still afraid that people still see the fat girl I used to be.  But I should know they don’t.  Guys flirt with me all the time.  Guys that wouldn’t have given me a second look…hell, a first look…80 pounds ago.  Point in fact, there was a guy I was interested in while I was still overweight and I made a gesture to exchange phone numbers so we could hang out sometime to which he was VERY fast to shoot me down.  Now, he can’t stop flirting with me and giving me compliments.  In fact, he’s the one that called me one of the “beautiful people” a few months back.  I am pretty sure he doesn’t remember that he shut me down years ago.  He probably doesn’t even think that was me.  Sure, he’s shallow and conditional, but his flirtations NOW make me feel good and accomplished.  
So, bit by bit, day by day, I have to remind myself to love myself HOW I AM.  If I can’t accept my body as it is, how will I accept it when I reach my goal?  If I can’t love me now, I won’t ever be satisfied.  Ever.  And that, my friend, is unacceptable.  So, do yourself a favor and love yourself now.  Don’t wait to reach your goals, because if you do, you will be disappointed and unhappy.  

You've got to reprogram your thoughts and how you view yourself.  If that means posting little positive notes on your mirror that say things like "you're beautiful" and "you're healthy" and the like, then that's what you need to do.  You've got to keep a positive outlook in the face of your negative mind talk.  It won't be easy and you will forget sometimes, but you've got to keep telling yourself positive things about yourself.  Remind yourself of your accomplishments.  Remind yourself of what you've earned.

This was sent to me by a good friend and I thought I'd share it with you guys:

"Wherever you are right now, it's exactly where you need to be. Whatever you're experiencing right now, it's exactly what you need to be experiencing.

You may not be able to see the lesson or the gift in it, but it's there, I promise you. You're learning, growing, shifting, changing and becoming more of who you're truly meant to be in this world.

Stay open. Trust. Keep moving."


  1. You're a total inspiration. Im currently 250 pounds now and i started my weight loss journey last week. I'm trying to work really hard to Change my life cuz I'm not happy with what I see in the mirror. I just happened upon ur blog, and it gave a little extra push to get to know myself and love me for how I am now, even before I lose anything. Thanks
    -A fellow insecure chubby girl

    1. i don't know if you'll read this, but your comment means a lot to me. i wish you all the good thoughts in the world. you are at about the same weight i started at when i started losing weight. i had actually blinded myself to the fact that i was sooooo overweight...until it couldn't be ignored anymore because i had angry red stretch marks on my stomach and hips. i'm glad i could give you that little extra push. i hope you come back to my blog and that you comment again. thank you for stopping by :)


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