I’m tired. I’m tired of the up and down, the up and down, the up and down. I’m tired of the 3 steps forward and then 2 steps backward. I am tired and beyond frustrated. I’ve said before that I suffer from binge eating disorder (B.E.D.). This is a real thing and it is actually the most prevalent eating disorder. Symptoms of binge eating disorder include:
• Eating unusually large amounts of food in a specific amount of time, such as over a 2-hour period
• Feeling that your eating behavior is out of control
• Eating even when you're full or not hungry
• Eating rapidly during binge episodes
• Eating until you're uncomfortably full
• Frequently eating alone or in secret
• Feeling depressed, disgusted, ashamed, guilty or upset about your eating
• Frequently dieting, possibly without weight loss
This is all me. These are behaviors I have, even if those around me don’t notice them. I’m really good at hiding things from others that I don’t want them to know about. I frequently feel ashamed of my eating habits. So frequently. But I try so hard to not brow-beat myself about it.
I’ll do great for a week or two or three or maybe even a couple months with controlling my eating, but then something happens and I feel vulnerable due to fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, even happiness. Whatever the cause, it derails me and before I know it, I’ve stuffed my face with more food than a normal person should eat in an entire day in one sitting. It’s horrifying when I realize what I’m doing.
I also have issues turning down free/offered food from others. This is seeded in my deep seeded fear of not being accepted. I'm afraid that if I don't take the proffered food that the person offering the food will feel snubbed and will no longer accept me as a peer or friend. Something else I have talked a tiny bit about on here is that I was bullied for most of my school years. By the time I was in high school I had learned how to make it LOOK like what the other kids said to/about me didn’t bother me, that it didn’t affect me at all. But deep inside I was crying and hurting so deeply. The older I got, the better I got at putting on a show that everything was hunky-dory on the outside.
In my last relationship, food was prevalent. He was a lot of bad things and I dealt with it by eating my emotions. Until this relationship, I didn’t have a problem with food. I gained at least 80 pounds in the 7-ish months he and I dated. He then moved into an apartment 20 feet from mine for the next year and a half and parading his new, extremely younger, girlfriend in front of me almost daily. I was completely unable to move on with my life. It is now 4.5 years after he and I parted ways and I am constantly struggling with my relationship with food. It is extremely unhealthy. I can lose 5 pounds in a week just to turn around and gain 7 the next week. Whoa.
I have to get a handle on this. Seriously. This is no joke. But I don’t know what to do. I could put myself on a strict eating plan. Heck, I’ve done it more times than I can count, but it never lasts. When I stick to my eating plans, everything goes right. But then I have a slip up and that slip up turns into a snowball, turns into an avalanche. I can’t afford therapy right now and I know that would help me soooooo much. I really do want to do it, too. But, until then I need help. Any help. If you have any self-help books that have actually helped people with binge eating disorder control their unhealthy eating behaviors, I am more than open to hearing about them.